


The Perfect Crime

by little_murmaider



Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: M/M, Or so the people in the relationship think, Secret Relationship, they're very dumb and very bad at this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 12:48:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30072483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_murmaider/pseuds/little_murmaider
Summary: Toki and Skwisgaar are VERY good at hiding that they've been in a secret relationship for months.
Relationships: Skwisgaar Skwigelf/Toki Wartooth
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	The Perfect Crime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [deaddybear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaddybear/gifts).



Toki and Skwisgaar hunched outside the Mordhaus Rec Room, giggling uncontrollably.  
  
“Dose _jerkwads_ ,” tittered Toki. “Dey t’inks we spent de day having a regular-guys-pal-arounds at de Splasharoonie Water Park.”  
  
“Ja,” snickered Skwisgaar. “Dey don’ts knows we was makingks outs in dat supply closets right dere _dis whole time_.”  
  
“Dey’re so _stupid!”  
  
_“Dey have no ideas we ams been uns-side a _secret ree-lash-un-ips_ for _months_!”  
  
“We are _nailings_ dis!”  
  
“Okays!”  
  
Skwisgaar closed his eyes and drew a long, centering breath through his nose, exhaling slowly through pursed lips. Toki took a gulp of air, held it in his puffed-out cheeks, and spat it out like a stubborn piece of mucus from the back of his throat.  
  
“Okays,” Skwisgaar continued. “Now all we gots to does ams goes in dere and acts de way we always does.”  
  
“Which ams _cool_ and _normals_ and _nots at all likes we beens in a secret relations-ships for months_.”  
  
“ _Eggsgaktly_.”  
  
“Dis gonna bes a walks in de cakes!”  
  
Skwisgaar bit down on his lower lip to suppress another eruption of giggles. Once he regained control, his features hardened into a look of detached contempt.  
  
“Readys?” He said flatly.  
  
Toki mirrored Skwisgaar's expression, though his replication made him look constipated. “Yeps.”  
  
Skwisgaar nodded, and with the subtlety of two failed bank robbers splattered in dye pack paint, they strolled inside. The guys, engrossed in their mid-afternoon semi-hungover lie-around, did not acknowledge when Toki and Skwisgaar entered. The pair exchanged a smug, unearned look of victory. What a masterful plan they had conceived, and so masterfully executed!  
  
Nathan tapped his tongue to the tip of his finger and turned the page of his book. “You done making out in the supply closet?”  
  
The sustaining high note of Toki’s, “ _ **WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT**_ ” perfectly accompanied the low arpeggio of Skwisgaar’s, “ _ **What? No. What? No. What? No. What?**_ ”  
  
“Why woulds you even _says_ dat?” Toki yelped. “We was at de Splasharoonie Water Parks! We _tolds_ you dat!”  
  
“Sounds like _somebodys_ has to works on dere _listeningks skills_ ,” Skwisgaar muttered, shaking his head in offended disappointment.  
  
Nathan peered at them over the top of his reading glasses. “You were at the water park.”  
  
“Yeahs!”  
  
“So why aren’t you in your swimwear?"  
  
A beat, and then Skwisgaar said, “We gots changed.”  
  
“Yeahs we _got changed_ _ **Nathan!!!**_ _”  
  
_“Uh-huh. And why are you wearing each other’s pants?”  
  
Toki and Skwisgaar looked down. Nathan’s accusation was correct.  
  
“Wells maybes our pants decided dey wanted to switch when we wasn’t payings attention!”  
  
“Dat’s not our faults! We can’ts controls what our pant does!”  
  
“You both look pretty disheveled.” Nathan set his book on his lap and held his place with his thumb. “Almost like…you were fumbling around in a dark, enclosed space.”  
  
Another long, agonizing silence.  
  
“…Toki fells down an elevator shafts.”  
  
“Yeah, and I _dieds!”  
  
_“ _Toos much, walks it backs_.”  
  
“I _didn’t_ dies!”

“This is really the story you’re going with.”  
  
“What story ams better…” Skwisgaar looked wistfully into the middle distance, “…dan de _truths_?”  
  
Across the room, Murderface slapped his thighs and rose to his feet.  
  
“Welp!” He hooked his thumbs in his vest and ambled away from the couch where he’d been lounging, his back to the group. “You’ve convinced me! Your schtory _totally_ checksch out, no gapsch in logic whatschoever!”  
  
“Where are you _going_?”  
  
Murderface paused. He lifted his arm as though he intended to lean against a wall, but because he was nowhere near a wall, it hovered awkwardly before him as he glanced over his shoulder.  
  
“There’sch juscht _one lascht thing_. Picklesch would you be scho kind asch to read back the transchript from approximately 45 scheconds ago?”  
  
“ _Happy_ to.” Pickles pantomimed pulling a long sheet of paper from an invisible stenotype machine situated in front of him. He cleared his throat, held the pretend paper close to his face, and recited in an unbreaking monotone, “ _those jerkwahds they think we spent th’day havin’ a regular-guy-pal-aroun’ at th’ Splasharoonie Water Park yeah they don’ know we were makin’ out in that supply closet right there this whole time they’re so stupid they have no idea we’ve been in’a secret relationship for months_ \--”  
  
“Thank you, Picklesch, that’s more than schufficient. Well? What schay you in the face of thisch _overwhelming evidence_?”  
  
Failure coated Toki and Skwisgaar’s faces like egg yolk. The moment lengthened into an insufferable lifetime. With their immaculate plan foiled, and lacking any other options, Toki reached down and gently held Skwisgaar’s hand.  
  
“ **WHOA WHOA WHOA.”  
  
**“That’s too much, man! Gross!”

“You can’t just **DO THAT KIND OF STUFF** around us! Disgusting!”  
  
“Get back in that closchet! Literally!!! Not metaphorically!!!!!!”


End file.
